Archive: December 2006

Picture courtesy of 88 Square

Hi there, My name is 19Virgin69 and you can meet me at webcams.com. I'm actually a cute, nice and new girl and I have just joined these webcam things, I've never try these before, I'm just so horny that I want to try these and get off with anyone that wants to have a good time with me. I'm beautiful and innocent... but I can also be naughty and wild... so that's a complete package! Look for me and you won't regret it! Click here to view our last show pics and to view our profile and know a lot more about us.

It's Award season, The Oscars, The Emmys, the Tony's, The AVNies, even Gene Ross is now giving out the Genies, so, should anybody give a fuck, here are my best of the year.
"Ladies and Gentlemen the Bony goes to ....."

Best Movie: Memoirs of a Geisha
Here is the snow dance.

Best song: James Blunt - You're Beautiful

Best Girl Band: The Pussycat Dolls

Sexiest Music Video: Faith Hill _ Breathe

The Best WTF?

Best TV Show: Dexter

Biggest Looser of the Year: Britney Spears
You big fat fucking slag, I will never jerk off to you again!

Best Porno Movie: Who really fucking cares? Can you remember last years winner?

Best new starlet: Oh yeah what's-her-name the cute one with the drug problem.

Stud of the year: Viagra

Most honest Distributor:
hahahahahahahahahahah

Nicest Guy in the Business: Rob Spallone

Picture courtesy of MET-ART.

Picture courtesy of Studio Girls

Picture courtesy of MET-ART

All of the elements are in-house so this week end we will start the transformation of the site. I hope you like the new direction, if you don't, email me and let me know please, it won't make any fucking difference but at least you can tell me.

..........unless he lives in the South

I stole this picture from David LaChapelle's website because I love you. He has lots more and I know he won't miss just one. You remind me of a blow up doll I used to have. I loved her very much and we were very happy together for years until she ran off with the tire puncture repair guy at the local garage. I saw you on the cover of PHOTO Magazine, the Italian one no less and I fell in love with you then. Please write back soon and let me know when you can over and play video games. I make great sandwiches. Please bring your jammies if you want to stay all night. If you call and a Russian girl answers don't worry she is just the cleaning lady.
Sincerely
John
PS If you hear from Jeff Mullen he is almost married.

More pictures like this here!

I just signed an affiliate deal with one of the best photo studios in Russian and your pictures came in their promo pack and i just want to tell you I love you. It said on the zip file Natasha - Schon - Cassan I don't know which of those names is yours but it doesn't matter because I love you. I hope your name is Natasha because I used to love the Bull Winkle Show but even if it is Schon I will love you the same. I already posted a picture of you on my site today but I posted this one too so you would know my love is real. Anybody can click on your picture and link to a whole gallery of your pictures and they will fall in love with you like I did but please remember I loved you first. The other guys will just want to have sex with you but I think we could have something really beautiful together.
How would you like to live in America? I have a very large house and it needs cleaning a lot. I hear that Russian women get fat and ugly when they get older so can we please get together soon?
Please write back soon as I am getting another promo pack of pictures on Monday and I might find a picture of a girl I could love more.
Sincerely
John
PS I am 21 years old, very handsome and very very rich.
PPS If Jeff Mullen writes to you he already has a girlfriend and loves her very much.

Picture courtesy of MET-ART

So I was looking at a webmaster Forum this morning and I found a link to my site. It was linked to the PORNO 101 series I have been writing and the poster wrote this:

Here is a good read on how the adult DVD market works. Done know how close the story is to real life, but you can read it at https://johntbone.com/blog/

Now bear in mind these are web guys, not movie guys. So another guy posts:

very interesting read... if somewhat depressing...

however, I did find this part inspiring:
Quote:
You are responsible for your own success so you have to get out there and make an impact, dazzle people with your bullshit. Remember most people who talk about you, write about you, and sell your movies have never watched one! So it doesn't really matter if you are any good or not!

OK, OK it gets interesting here:

All these middle man type of guys will be gone in 5 years. The future is people who can go from production to consumers which the internet guys seem to do very well

Ok, there it is, the secret of success right in front of us.
They produce their own product and deliver it to the consumer themselves. they get the feedback and they can adjust what they are doing to feed the needs of their customer base, and all the money they make they keep.
If you could take out the commissions paid to manufactures (30%), agents (25%) and profits made by distributors (50%) and store owners (100%) you would actually make good money on your movies, but instead everybody makes money except for the guy who makes the movie. Silly us!

Picture courtesy of MET-ART

Good morning, buenos dias, Guten Morgen, bom dia, he-he. I just got this counter thingy put on the site and it tells me all of the countries that people read my site from. Would you believe Turkey? Argentina? Norway for god's sake, people from all around the world on the edge of their seats waiting to find out if Vittorio got his money from Damaged.
Which reminds me I haven't heard from him. Anyway, good morning world, we are working on a lot of changes for the New Year and the blog is going to start looking different next week, so stick around.

More pictures like this here!

Actually I was wrong I can teach you some things about the Internet, all of them negative. I have had a series of partnerships and deals and have yet to make my first dollar. I will start to collect my thoughts and see if I can put together something intelligent for next week.

This is the fourth and final lesson after this you are on your own. By now, if you have followed my instructions, you should be in a poverty gap, you owe money to everybody who likes you and wanted to help you out and you are owed a fortune that you can't collect. You can't afford to stop because it will all come crashing down and you can't afford to continue because you have run out of money and places to borrow. The numbers your distributor is putting out is diminishing, and the foreign and cable markets are erratic Every suggestion people will give you to increase your business require you to spend money you don't have.
What you do have is content, sell it or die. You can sell scenes to comp companies, Internet companies and middle of the road companies that will wrap your scenes with a new one of their own and put it out as a new release. The chances of anybody finding out and it hurting you are minimal remember nobody watches the movies, only the consumers and we have never given a shit about them! If you can stay alive you may attain the same income you used to have before you got into this mess, if you are with one of the few great distributors who takes on independent producers you will be in good shape.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut the industry as we know it is dying, sure there are companies that will go on making money forever but they are few and will not share their success with you. Stores are closing, money is getting tighter even the good guys are wondering if they can stick by their principles and survive, it will never get any better! The only answer is the Internet but here is the problem, the Internet is like porn used to be when we shot on film, it requires skills and talents that are extremely difficult to learn, unlike the DVD market that only requires a tattoo and a ski hat to be a director.
There are many helpful sites that will teach you how to write HTML, how to market, how to understand traffic, affiliate programs, TGP's, hardlinks, credit card processing and the like, but there are also wolves out there who will steal your eyes.
I am completely embroiled in this world as a 'Newbie' and do not have the experience to give advice to anybody above this:
Unless you are an extremely successful distributor with enough money outside of your company to retire and the common sense to not reinvest any of it in the domestic DVD market, you are basically up shit creek without a paddle!

Hey John,

This is a mess and Im pissed at myself that I have to go through this again. You said that it could happen another time and it did. What can I say? You were right and I was wrong. Im a big believer in second chances. However, Im also a two strikes and youre out kind of guy. When it comes to my business Im a straight shooter - and honestly, I dont have the time in my day for this crap!

Please update your site with following unedited statement. (If you would be so fair to let me have a word here, Id appreciate it)

Im going to keep this short and sweet.

First of all, although Im not happy about this entire situation I am pleased that you clearly made mention of the following:

Vittorio, thankfully, understands that the movies were given to Jonathan to sell by Steve from Damaged, and holds Jonathan blameless.
Vittorio knows Jonathan well and speaks highly of his integrity.

The fact that you did so means a lot. I know you could have taken a totally different approach.

Now, to answer your questions:

All Damaged titles have been removed from TheContentStore.com. My business and reputation are far too important to me. I will not have my integrity questioned any further. I have ceased representing their product entirely.

Ive spoken to Vittorio and we are totally cool. This unfortunate situation has been resolved amicably. Anything else regarding this will be handled privately. Obviously, you can contact him and confirm what Ive said.

As far as Im concerned, this has been a lesson learned. Time to move on. Nothing further to see here ;o)

Thank you,

==========================

Jonathan Silverstein

TheContentStore.com

ContentBlowout.com

My blog is acting up again and I have removed some punctuation marks that were translating into weird text, Jonathans email was punctuated perfectly
John

The Dresden Dolls

So what does it cost to be independent? To shoot the kind of movies you really want to make? To not have to pull your punches and make movies you can be proud of?

Let's look at the simple economics of shooting and owning your own product.
In today's market once you get past your ego and your basic desire to make the greatest porno movie ever made a budget of $8,000 to $10.000 is most practical and you should be shooting a soft version at the same time. So let's say $10,000. Your deal has already been made with a reputable (sic) distributor for one movie per month, all costs yours, packaged goods delivered 70-30 split. Not a great deal but the better the deal is for you the more likely the Distributor will renege on the terms later. Remember with a distributor a deal is never made, even if it is in writing, they will constantly chisel you to death.

So you make your first movie for $10,000 and edit it, two versions $1,000. You are out $11,000 and a month has gone by so it is time to shoot again, another $10,000,
Total $21,000

Now you must pay for the artwork $500, printing, $300, and replication $1,000, for the first movie a total of $1,800 plus editing of the second movie another $1,000 and low and behold it is time to shoot movie number 3 another $10,000
Grand total $33,800.

I should point out that this is a best case scenario usually you have some kind of problems in editing or scheduling of the release both of these problems are beyond your control. Or you let the lack of distributor control go to your head and you make a movie that stores won't carry because it is too controversial, you just flushed $12,800 down the toilet, remember nobody wants to go to jail so you can thumb your nose at the government.

So you are coming up on 90 days since you started, you are out $33,800 in hard cash, you have just delivered your first movie, most Distributors like to have the product on their floor one to two weeks ahead of release especially with new guys.
It takes one week to sell and deliver the movie so you are almost at 120 days and it is time to shoot and pay all over again.
$46,600 is the new number.

4 movies in hand, one released, one you are delivering, one is in editing and one just in the can. A Distributor no matter what he tells you will not give you any money for the first 3 months that is 2 more months or another $25,600 to you.

So here you are you have spent $72,200 of your own money, everybody involved has been paid and you are about to receive your first money, it will be around $2,000

As you continue to spend $12,800 every month your income starts to increase. Your agents now have DVD's and art work to sell, so the foreign sales and cable sales start to kick in, but not for a couple of months more. The truth is you will finally peak at around $100,000 to $120,000 out of pocket when you start to receive what you are spending every month.
You will never see this money! As the money comes in it goes out and you will always be owed this much, it is called the cost of doing business.
As the money comes in you shoot more movies, if you do well and the money comes in faster you will increase your output to two movies a month and now your book debt will be closer to $250,000.

Now, let's look at reality, you don't have $120,000 to invest in porn movies, if you did you would be better off buying a McDonalds concession. So you go into debt. You negotiate terms with your art director and your printer and anybody else who will let you owe them money. While this is going on your clients have gotten wind of you shooting your own stuff and for some reason they don't like it. I have never understood this, but they think that the quality of work you deliver to them will somehow be inferior to what you are shooting for yourself. So your living income is now depleted. If you get caught in a cash crunch and don't deliver a movie one month to your distributor he looses confidence and requires your product on his floor before he will even schedule your release, this will put you another month behind on your cash flow and cash flow is the name of the game.

Six months into this you owe everybody. Your Distributor is giving you a song and dance routine about your money and your reputation is slowly going down the toilet, suddenly all that brown nosing you used to do to get directing work doesn't seem so bad.

But cheer up things could get worse, and they do, but that will be the next lesson.

I got an email this morning that may be an opportunity for a Distributor looking to make something a little newsworthy.

Dear Mr. T Bone:

Happy Holidays. Forgive my anonymity. I'm Hank Rose, a former B performer and producer. Been away from the biz going on 9 years. After I lost my dad I was lucky to find a good wife to take care of me in my retirement.

But lately, even though she is less than 3 years away from her retirement, my wife's income is barely enough to support us and I find myself drawn back to porn to help make ends meet in a 40 something comeback bid.

I have been reading some highly entertaining copy at your website. There are many witty blog writers in this industry who shine without the benefit of trade publication bylines. Ron Sullivan is one. And you are another.

(I didn't know Ron had a blog , could somebody send me the url please?)

So I thought I'd write you for some advice on an old project. I once produced a campy feature called The Raunchy Porno Picture Show back in the early 90s. It was originally sold to and released by John Arnone and Filmco with two box covers, one of which I designed myself.

Lately I noticed that the title was among the top 50 most popular at IAFD and so I set out to promote it online on a lark. As a result, the title which was long lost has suddenly been re-released by Filmco after more than 15 years.

I was hoping its datedness would make it exempt from the latest draconian record keeping laws. I was the Associate Producer listed under the name Sid Benini and did a cameo under the stage name Vince Del Rio. Why? My partner is long gone. And it's a long story.

Back in the day after it was in the can, I gave a copy to our cameraman, Randy Detroit, who unpaid in full by my partner, promptly sold it to the late Mickey Blank. Another screener I never got back from Raw Talent's Stan Brundt, from whose possession it also mysteriously disappeared.

Yet despite having been through the ringer so to speak in terms of crooks and scumbags through the years, I managed to do ok with domestic and foreign rights. Although its sale being was compromised by unscrupulous elements at the time, it has survived somewhat intact.

It symbolized my unrealized production potential, and I still have many original ideas for new age product that would stand out too well to be ripped off. Be that as it may, I was always a hapless victim of the sharks in the biz.

I know porn rules have changed and old video black hats have been replaced by new cyber media pimps. But how should I go about doing a sequel to this cute old school porn show? And could you help me find a backer and distributor?

Season's Greetings,

Hank Rose
East Porn Valley, CA

TIP: Never ever refer to it as a cute old school porn show!

"Who the fuck is Hank Rose?" you may ask. If you really care his bio is here: Hank Rose Porn Star

The movie starred: Missy Warner, Samantha York, Olivia Twist, Tiffany Hall, John Warner, Margie Morngingstar, Cocoa Houston, Jeff Coldwater, Vince Del Rio, Holly Davidson, Nanette Taylor, Dick Nasty, Woodie Piper, Viper, Ron Jeremy, Domonique Simone, Sukoya.

If you would like to be put in touch with Hank drop me an email and I will pass it along.

Finding the right distributor to carry your movies is the hardest part of the game. You want to be with somebody who has a good name, sells a lot of product, who is financially stable, pays you on time and even fronts you money if you have a great opportunity.
Problem is that guy doesn't need you or your movies he is making too much money selling his own movies.
The distributor that wants to make a deal with you is undercapitalized, can't afford to make his own movies, and his sales and collections department leave much to be desired.
Basically like most marriages it is doomed from the start. So what do you do? Well you could:
Look for a distributor who is suddenly exploding on to the scene and wants to expand his release schedule. I was very lucky a few years ago when I was fortunate enough to get in with New Sensations, thanks to Jeff Mullen. They had tons of money and many times paid me even before the invoices were due. They were a fantastic company to deal with but soon came to realize that it was more profitable to release their own movies and my deal came to an end.
Another way is to look for a one-stop with a good name and sound financial base who is looking to move up to releasing his own product. This is the guy who knows everything there is know about selling and collecting money but is clueless about making movies. The secondary advantage is that he has been around for some time so you can find out if he is a thief or not. Here you meet on a level playing field because if you are experienced with a name you both bring something to the table.

Now here are some hard truths to swallow:
Nobody actually watches your movie! Not your distributor, not the distributors that carry it, not the agents who represent you, not even the store owners who sell it, most reviewers watch it in fast-forward and yet all of these people have a hand in your income.
You are responsible for your own success so you have to get out there and make an impact, dazzle people with your bullshit. Remember most people who talk about you, write about you, and sell your movies have never watched one! So it doesn't really matter if you are any good or not!

As an artist do you value your work?
This can work for you or against you, because most distributors know their movies are shit and will make any deal to turn a profit. A DVD that was $12 last week is $2 this week, "move them out!"
You can get $1500 for Canadian rights but if Canadian company offers half that but will buy 50 titles most distributors will take this deal in a New York second.
Distributors wheel and deal all day long, they have no emotional attachment to their 'product' it is all widgets and turning a profit is the name of the game. You probably don't want your movies to end up in the bargain barrel in Boise or have your scenes cut up and sold on comps and 4 hours by Israeli owned companies.
You and your distributor will never see eye to eye on anything. Sometimes it is best to get out of the way and let him do his job, sometimes it pays to stand up for what you believe in and fight for the integrity of your work, knowing when is the secret.
OK next, you want an agent to sell your foreign rights and your cable rights. Remember I told you distributors do not value their product so they turn it over to 'Agents" and count any money that comes in as 'found money' and they rarely check up on what the agent is doing, even an honest agent will become corrupt under these conditions.
One week in Brazil there was a festival of my work on Globo Television, I never made those sales and never saw a dime of income from it but somebody did.
Distributors will recommend agents for you to deal with based on the fact that they have seen some money from sales of their product not on the fact that they have seen all of the money from sales of their product so never trust a distributors recommendation.
Anybody who handles any sales of your product, chances are, they are cheating you, why? Because that is the way it always has been, remember in Lesson one we talked about the early days of porn? In those days when porn was really illegal companies sold 'placebo' product, for 'placebo' read 'fake', or 'not what you thought you were paying for' or 'you are getting fucked'.
Distributors have been fucking each other since the beginning, but they all do it and they all know the game, so the two distributors you see having dinner together at the Palm may just have fucked each other out of thousands of dollars during the day but that's Ok with them that's what they do. We on the other hand are dreamers who want to 'change the face of pornography' who strive and sweat to make our movies 'works of art', we forgo our profit to make a movie better and maybe be rewarded with an AVN award (oh yes we will be talking about those in a later lesson) is it any wonder they fuck us?
Here's a story from years ago to end this lesson on.
One day I went to visit a distributor I didn't know very well, but he was English and felt some kind of affinity towards me.
"I want to help you out mate" he said, "somebody is stealing your product and selling it cheap behind your back"
"Please tell me who" I asked
" I can't do that" he said, "I'm buying most of it and making a fortune"

.....In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,

So what happens when you find out your friend, whom you respect, is illegally selling your product?
This dilemma has just befallen Vittorio who at my biding went onto Jonathan's site (the content store.com) and found his movies for sale, unauthorized and very much against his wishes.
If it were me, at this point in the game, I would probably call down a Jihad on Jonathan, but then we all know I have a tendency to overreact. Vittorio, thankfully, understands that the movies were given to Jonathan to sell by Steve from Damaged, and holds Jonathan blameless.
Now here is where the lying starts.
After my movies were found on his site Jonathan says that Steve swore to him that everything else he had given him was owned by Damaged, that Damaged owned the rights and absolutely definitely it was just an oversight on my stuff. That was the extent of Jonathan's checking on who the actual owners of the product he represents are.
Steve will say it was all a mistake and one of his guys included it in the package and he didn't know. So here are the questions that need to be asked:
1 Jonathan will you continue to represent Damaged knowing that it is extremely likely that you still have content on your site for sale that Damaged do not own the rights to?
2 Steve if you are so dumb that you don't know what is going on in your business how come you didn't check Jonathan's site to see if any other of your titles were on it that you don't have the rights for?
3 And now my favorite, if Jonathan has in fact made any sales on Vittorio's product how come nobody told him and paid him for them?

Vittorio knows Jonathan well and speaks highly of his integrity, lucky for him, the next guy, like me, might not know him or believe that he could be duped a third time!

A small footnote here, Vittorio has cleared up the mess with Sleazy Eddie.com, that was a misunderstanding of his own making and did not involve Steve

First Lesson
Most people get into porn because they think it is one big party and you get to fuck porn stars day and night. There is some truth in this analogy but the question is,
"Is the fucking you're getting, worth the fucking you're getting?"

The first truth you need to know is that despite all the publicity to the contrary there is very little money actually circulating in the industry. Everybody owes everybody and not too many people are paying.
The industry was founded by Mafia and pimps who laid the ground rules we abide by today, Essentially the manufacture, called a distributor, finances a picture or cuts a distribution deal with an independent producer who finances the picture, that would be you!.
Once the picture is shot it goes to an editor who has to be paid. The Art Director creates the 'box' or DVD cover art and prepares it for the printer, he must be paid. The printer delivers the finished box or DVD insert, he has to be be paid. The edited movie goes to the Replicator who produces a pre-ordered amount of DVDs, these are then delivered to the Manufacturer, the replicator must be paid.
At this point you have the maximum amount of money invested in your product.
So who can steal from you up to now?

1. The Editor. He has had total control of your camera masters and could have sold your footage to an internet company or another manufacture, either all of it or just one scene to be added to four other scenes stolen from other clients to make a different movie.

2. The Art Director has had control of your stills and could have sold them to an internet site, a cell phone content company or an agency that supplies single pictures to free magazines for strip club and phone sex ads.

3. The Printer. You order an pre-agreed number of inserts let us say 2,000. The printer delivers you 2300 and charges you for the 'over run' you have just bought 300 inserts you don't want and didn't order. Or he can print 4,000 inserts and sell 2,000 to another distributor who will buy one DVD from you duplicate it and sell 2,000 copies for a lower price than you can.

4. The Replicator. He has and maintains your replication master, he can run as many copies as he likes and needs only to duplicate your inserts which he has a stock of to also sell thousands of your movie for a lower price than you can.

5. The distributor. Even if he is honest his warehousemen may not be. A few years ago there was a network of warehousemen who ran an undercover distribution network selling movies to disreputable distributors and flea market vendors for pennies on the dollar. Though not as big a deal this continues today.

Now the company sales staff hit the phones and sell your movie.
This is a whole new world of lies, deception and dishonesty.
The competition for sales is so fierce a company lives or dies by it's sales force.

The majority of sales are made to distributors, called distributors, who do not manufacture movies but buy finished packaged movies from most of the Manufactures and subsequently resell the movies to store owners or other distributors who have not paid your distributor for goods he has already purchased from him and has been 'cut off'.

How much do movies sell movies for?
That is one of the great mysteries of the industry. The price range is so vast some store owners can sell your movie for the same price the store owner on the next block is paying you for it.
The movies are shipped over a period of one week so that every local in the US gets it the same day, except there is a lot of cheating going on with LA companies that pay cash and get it early to sell to their clients on the East Coast so that they can get it the same day as the East Coast client who buys directly from you. There is a lot of fucking and cheating going on between the distributors but they are not our concern here we care only about the guy who paid for the movie, you!

So how do you get fucked here?
Well there are three questions here, how many movies were sold? How many movies were really sold? When do you get paid?
Here's where we inherit some of the stupid business practices from the old days. Once a movie is invoiced and delivered there is a time lag until the store pays for it. The sales staff generally work on commission and do not want to wait for their money, so it is possible that a salesman 'writes wood'. This is a practice of writing fake orders that were never given, or taking an order for 10 and changing it to 100 or convincing the buyer to order way too many based on the premise that he can return the unsold movies.

The next question is when is a movie really sold?
Answer when the check has cleared your bank.
Our industry, populated by idiots desperate to sell under any circumstances have enacted the most ridiculous policy of allowing distributors to return unsold product that defies intelligent comprehension. There was a time when manufactures believed in the quality of their movies, and stood behind them, that was so long ago few can remember it. Today's manufacture and distributor has a completely different view of the product and its creators.

First all movies are called product and it is understood that they are all crap.
Second the talent, they are perceived as drugged out, moronic whores who fuck for money and require zero respect. Big stars are just drugged out moronic whores who fuck for way too much money.
Directors and shooters are perceived as idiots so desperate to get laid they will work for nothing.
There is a lot of truth in these perceptions but they strip you of respect and thus cheating you out of your money is fair game.

So the sales people can over sell your movie. "1500 went out the door" Sales commissions are paid on the 1500. Now you must wait for the buyers to pay your manufacturer before he pays you, and guess what? Nobody pays in less than 90 days. So the packages that you saw going out COD and the cash sales? They don't exist.

So 90 days later you want your money, 1500 pieces right? And maybe some reorders too?
No way.
300 were returned and 800 were sold to the notorious distributors who don't pay, one in San Francisco and one in New Jersey eating up maybe half of that total.
So the 400 movies that you are going to get paid for now come under the terms of your deal. Who paid for the editing, the artwork, the printing and the replication? If you did your little bit of money less the distributors commission is a fraction of what you invested, if the distributor paid those bills you are still in the hole.
Other money will dribble in but so will returns. If you can afford to keep going you will eventually find yourself owed more money than you have ever earned in your life, with little or no power to collect it.
Your distributor controls your business and he doesn't really give a fuck if you are happy or not because there are 10 new guys trying to get distributions deals with him right now.
Under financial distress the only solution is to blow out the product left on the shelf at a greatly reduced price, except some guys will buy it at the new reduced price and one week later return it as over stock from their initial purchase at the original price, they buy for $3 and return it at $13, net loss $10 per.
Assuming that your distributor only fucks you on domestic sales you are now open to be fucked on foreign sales, cable sales, VOD, and Internet, we will cover these in a later lesson.

I have had my money problems over the years, god knows, the guy that ran off with our money in India causing the whole trip to be cancelled caused me an incredible financial loss, I will end up not earning for 5 straight months. But one thing I won't do is steal money from my clients.

And then there is Damaged.

I certainly opened a can of worms the other day when I said if you need any help getting paid by them drop me an email.
Here is their latest victim.

Hey there,
Saw the recent posting about Homegrowns problems with Damaged. I had, and STILL have the same problems. It took a year, and $1700 to Lawyers and a Collection Agency to get the ball rolling. I'm STILL owed one final payment. They released 'Tony's Amateur's line' which is ALL my content, without EVER paying a dime. They are also selling my content as web content to websites, which is NOT allowed in the contract (and they STILL haven't paid in full so the contract STILL doesn't exist yet). Steve's a total scumbag and so is his father. I TOO was nominated for an AVN award (didn't win) last year without even knowing the line was released (Steve used his TXP Media as a front for Damaged). Anyway, anything you can do?? Tell him Vittorio from HotAm wants his money pronto or his Collection Agency Lawyers will rip him an new asshole.
Oh, and www.sleazyeddie.com is giving away my entire content for FREE to surfers!!! I never heard of them. Did Damaged sell the content to them?? Who knows? Anything you can do about Sleazy Eddie also??
Let me know and contact me ANYTIME!!
Sincerely,
Vittorio

So here we go again, Vittorio wants his money, The Content Store is probable the company illegally selling his content to websites, Jonathan is either another nice guy duped by Steve or he is so fucking desperate to make a buck he is willing to risk his reputation and that of his new company on the word of Steve, a liar and a thief

I am sure Damaged is also fucking him by selling his DVD's Internationally and with VOD sales.
I don't think Steve can keep convincing everybody around him that he is just careless and makes mistakes, but just in case you are all fucking stupid here's the scoop
Damaged keep selling VOD rights, Internet footage, Foreign sales and now domestic DVD sales on product they have no rights to. If you are aiding and abetting them you are committing a crime also. Are the few dollars you make worth your reputation?
I still believe that all of this is going on behind Blaine's back, but enough is enough, if he doesn't do something now, then from this day on I will assume him to be a partner in crime with good old "he just keeps getting overwhelmed with work" Steve.

I am sending Vittorio a list of VOD companies that Damaged illegally represented my movies to, the same list I sent to Joel. If all of his titles are not removed by the end of the week I will name the companies who are in cahoots with Steve.

The shooters of this industry are not prey to be abused and cheated by distributors. Most of them don't know the ropes so people like Steve fuck them over and steal their money, well enough already, here is PORNO 101

When you shoot on your own money you own the product.
There are various venues to sell your product and you own the rights to all of these venues.
1 Domestic DVD rights, this is what you grant an American distribution company who sells your movie in American and pays you a Royalty usually on sales, he has the right to duplicate your movie and sell copies in the US only. Be careful here because most US distributors have standing deals with Canadian companies and they may sell the Canadian rights without your knowledge.

2 Foreign Rights, this is a changing situation, time was you sold the right to duplicate and sell your movie in a foreign country for a period of seven years for an amount of money. Since DVD became the norm US distributors are selling movies world wide. Be careful with the rights you grant your US distributor if he gets all rights world wide you loose $10,000 or more in foreign sales.

3 Cable, VOD, Internet VOD and cell phones. This is the emerging market and is potentially worth more than all the others together. It is best, if you are new, to get an Agent to represent you, though it is hard to find an honest one, I use Josie at Angel pictures, in 5 years she has never stolen a dime from me.

4 Internet sales of your scenes. This is the newest area of income, the Internet has a voracious appetite for porn and content houses have sprung up everywhere, problem is they don't bother to check who the legal owner is so chances are your content is already being sold by one of them. As this side of the business increases so will your options of reaching it. Right now I have an Agent who specializes in this field selling my old content, not a content house.

This is a brief thumbnail of the industry, there may well be other places your content is being sold behind your back that I don't know about if you find one please let me know. As long as you remain ignorant of your markets and desperate to get any kind of distribution deal companies like Damaged will welcome you with open arms.

But this has to stop, and today I am so fucking mad I am going to be the guy to make a start. From today John T. Bone is open to help anybody new or old who wants to own his own product. You can email me by clicking on the contact button at the top of the page. I will answer any question and share my 20+ years of experience with anybody who wants it. I will help you start your business and direct you to honest guys to work with, I will also share my knowledge of the assholes who will fuck you. This industry is a maze to be navigated carefully I am offering my expertise free to anybody who wants it.

A whore is a whore is a whore! Now that Katie Rees is 10 times bigger than the Miss teen USA title she just lost, it is a sure bet this drunken little slut is going to end up doing girl/girl shit for an almost porn company. Anybody need her contact number?
Picture stolen from Splash News, so sue me! The picture has that huge ugly star on it because she was 17 when it was taken.

Joel from Homegrown emailed me again last night, Steven from Damaged called him yesterday and paid him in full.
Ya gotta love this blog shit, Joel has been fighting for his money since August one post on my site and a little help from my good friend Gene Ross and BINGO! cash on the barrelhead.
Anybody else need help in this direction email me by clicking on the contact button at the top of the page.
Oh and Joel, as we are in the Christmas season, I need socks!

I can't help it but I really like Blaine. I have warned him and warned him what is happening to his reputaion since he partnered up with Steve and he just shakes his head and says
".......but he is basically an honest guy"
You can tell that to the marines, or at least to Homegrown.
I got and email tonight from Joel at Homegrown Video asking for help, which I gave him. He directed me to his posting on a webmaster board. As our guys don't get out too much here it is.

Damaged Productions / Damaged Pictures, YOU OWE ME MONEY
You dare to release content of mine that you have not paid for, nor have any license to use, YET AGAIN? This is going to get ugly unless you deliver payment to my employers office in Irvine by the end of the week. Merry fucking Christmas.

Promises of payments that never arrive, fake photos of wire transfer paperwork that never get sent, empty promises...

I hope you win that AVN award you got nominated for so I can take it, you fucks. It's my goddamn content.
Joel is not a happy camper. Blaine please do something about your company while you still have one.

It pretty much sucked actually.

Last night between the hours of Midnight and four am, the ex-Mrs. T. Bone gave birth to four baby kittens. Well actually it was Tequila the slut cat of the neighborhood that gave birth but it was in the Ex-Mrs. T. Bone's bed. Mother, four boy's and the ex-Mrs. T. Bone are all doing well.

Santa Claus you cunt Where's my fucking bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk There's nothing here i like!

I've wrote you a letter, And i've come to see you twice.
You white haired geriatric cunt, Where's my fucking bike?

If i wanted a pair of fucking shoes, I would've fucking asked.
This cowboy suit and ping-pong set, You can stick right up your arse.

You went and mucked my order up, It's enough to make you spew
It's not just me that's pissed off, My sister's cheesed off too..

Santa Claus you cunt, Where's my fucking pram?
You promised me you fucking cunt, You know who I am.

'Cos I'm the little girl, You made sit right on your hand..
Never mind your ho ho ho, Where's my fucking pram?

Next time i go to see him, I'm gonna punch him in the guts!
Set his fucking reindeer loose, Kick rudolf in the nuts!

Just you wait til next year, 'Til we get to that store
A mate of my little sister will come stomping through that door!

Hey mums and dads just check his breath And watch his bloodshot eyes,
Don't listen to him boys and girls 'Cos he tells fucking lies.

He's a piss taker and a pervert! He's not even fucking bright!
'Cos that fucking wanker, Forgot my fucking bike

Hey fucking Santa Claus you cunt, Where's my fucking bike
I've unwrapped all this other junk, There's nothing what I like.

I wrote you a fucking letter, And I came to see you twice
You white haired geriatric cunt, you forgot my fucking bike.

Click Here for a last minute gift idea!

A friend of mine works for a company that raises money for people.
Yesterday they started to raise money for Senator Barack Obama from Illinois as an exploratory fund to find out if he should run for President in the next General Election. They have raised $1.2 million in 24 hours from the LA office alone, they also have an office in NY to cover the east coast.
Considering that America would never in a million years vote a woman into the White House and everybody else in the Democratic Party is a weenie,
here he is
..............The next President of the United States of America.

Mr. Big is expanding his empire and is looking for a personal assistant and a sales guy.
The personal assistant must be fluent in Portuguese and English as his prime function will be to oversee production in the Mr. Big Mega Studio in Brazil, from here not there, silly.
The sales guy will be selling movies and individual scenes to distributors and Internet customers, house accounts will be turned over. Mr. Big thinks that the sales guy should make $3,000 a week.
"I'll fucking fire him if he can't make $1,500 a week"
He will be talking to prospective employees over the holidays to start mid January.
If you are interested email me at [email protected]

"You are old Father William" The young man said
"and by now your lust should be nil-
Yet you buggered two maids a sheep and old Fred
Explain that to me if you will."
"In my youth we were poor,"the old man replied.
"and I had no toys save my bone
which developed the strength and endurance I pride.
Bend over and I'll drive you home"

Something Awful's Pornstar Interview Disasters [PICS]

Zack: Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me, Janine!

JLBZ: Glad to do it, what's up?

Zack: You came out of retirement not too long ago and rescinded your girls-only rule, was that a difficult decision?

JLBZ: I thought about it and I was ready to make the leap

Zack: Would you say it was an easier or harder decision than, for example, deciding to cover yourself in shitty tattoos that make you look like a white trash Yakuza hit man?

JLBZ: fuck off loser

Zack: If you dishonor your studio are you contractually obligated to cut off your pinkie with a Pabst tab?

JLBZ has disconnected****

Busty brunette Celeste began working in adult films in 1992. Her appearances outside of recycled compilations have become increasingly rare. I asked her some really terrible questions and she was not pleased.

Zack: It's a real pleasure to get a chance to talk with you.

Clest: glad I could help

Zack: You were one of the hottest stars of the '90s, but since about 2000 your body of work has diminished steadily, why is that?

Clest: you get older and have kids and you don't need the money as bad

Zack: How did it feel to see your videos start showing up in the "mature" section of porn sites?

Clest: they dont

Zack: Do you live in fear of the MILF Hunter?

Clest: we're done

Zack: What do you do to throw him off your trail? Do you cover your tracks with leaves? Bury your scat?

Clest has disconnected****

Zack: Hi and thanks for taking the time to talk with me!

Gauge: sure thing!

Zack: Do you ever feel self-conscious about your teeth on the set?

Gauge: what do u mean?

Zack: I mean, does a director or co-star ever comment on your teeth or do you worry that they might?

Gauge: fuck that if they did id pop them

Zack: Quick follow-up on that: what makes your teeth that yellow-gray color?

Zack: Is it the same substance that makes them all crooked and makes your voice hoarse?

Gauge: fuck u motherfuckre!!!

Zack: Have you discovered a way to smoke meth and pole at the same time?

Gauge has disconnected****

The voluminous Peter North was remarkably polite considering my stupidity.

Zack: Hello and thanks for taking the time to talk with me!

Pnorth: No problem.

Zack: Is it fair to say that you are best-known for the volume of your ejaculation?

Pnorth: Thats true. Lake Peter.

Zack: Have you ever just looked at one of your cumshots and said to yourself: "that's my Ulysses" or "that's my Statue of David"?

Pnorth: Ha Ive had some big ones

Zack: How would the biggest cumshot of your career stack up against, say, the biggest cumshot that was ever sprayed across your ass in one of your gay porn movies?

Pnorth has disconnected****

Finally, I had a chance to talk with the luscious Aria Giovanni, one of my personal favorites.

Zack: It's a real pleasure to get a chance to talk to you!

AGVbaby: Thank you! Your readers can see more of me at ariagiovanni.com!

Zack: Your exotic looks have certainly contributed to your success as an adult star, but you are often promoted as being "naturally curvy".

Zack: Oh, that doesn't offend you, does it? Curvy?

AGVbaby: Not at all. I'm not a waif and I'm not packing any saline.

Zack: Whew. So have you ever considered surgery to correct your curviness?

AGVbaby: No.

Zack: I know Al Roker became much less curvy after he underwent a gastric bypass.

AGVbaby: Goodbye.

Zack: FYI you're kind of a porker.

AGVbaby has disconnected****

Beautiful super-starlet Jill Kelly has gone on from her career as a pornstar to become a veritable porn mogul. I probably ruined her day and for that I deserve to die.

Zack: I'm a huge fan of your work! Thanks for talking with me!

Jlklly: Aw, that's sweet, thank you!

Zack: I have dropped a lot of monster loads down the hatch of the lovedoll modeled after you.

Jlklly: Okay...

Zack: Her hair comes out very easily, does your hair come out very easily?

Jlklly: No, it's pretty firmly stuck into my head.

Zack: FANTASY DESTROYED. Can you give me my money back for this unrealistic piece of junk?

Jlklly: This is ridiculous.

Zack: I'm glad you share in my outrage. I think together we can fight this.

Jlklly has disconnected****

I don't know how genuine this stuff is but it sure is funny

Is this child pornography?

The ever increasing interference in our industry by religious whacko's and Bush's Gestapo is all done in the name of our children. Convictions are now being obtained on photographs of fully clothed children taken with the full consent and co-operation of their parents. People are going to jail for taking pictures of kids that some other whacko calls pornographic.
Last month in Brazil I took a shit load of pictures of my 3 years daughter but was too scared to bring them home with me because of the insanity pervading America today, instead they hang in the living room of my apartment in Sao Paulo for all to see.

Calvin Klein ads from years ago are now being brought into question, likewise swimwear and underwear catalogues selling kids clothes and any innocent mom or uncle can be arrested for shooting pictures that they can't see anything wrong with. So who are the sicko's?

The video above is from Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen (2001) Directed by Shari Cookson it won an Emmy. It is available from Amazon.com, and free in 9 downloads from Utube.

Described as sad on an internet posting here are some comments:

Author: ([email protected])

One will want to change the channel, yet feels compelled to continue watching. The beginning shows a lower class woman who browbeats and psychologically tears down her (yes adorable) five years old child, Swan, as she prepares her for the child beauty pageant ring. Her constant demands and critical commentary on Swan's performance continually appear to wear the child down, as ninety % of the film, her bewilderment, weariness, and constant strain of performing like a circus animal show on her face. The other part of the film features the daughter of a gay man, who along with his partner, have made a fortune preparing these children for the pageant circuit. The daughter, Leslie, is a little older, and the contrast between the two children is sad. While Leslie is supported by her father, Swan behaves like a beaten dog trying to win the approval of a cruel master. The gay men seem to enjoy the children, and the process, yet the mother of Swan is forced. She guilt's the child by saying things a five yr. old can't fully understand, i.e., 'I am taking a 3rd mortgage on my house for all of this, I am getting a third job, etc. Her other three children are in stark contrast to Swan- a troubled teenage boy who is in jail, a sixteen yr. old girl who is slightly overweight, and a virtually ignored three yr. old son. The entire film is troubling, and leads one to wonder how the subjects themselves felt after watching it, and if it changed their attitudes any.

Aug 21, 2006 Child beauty pageants are alive and well, with more than a quarter million kids competing each year.

But with renewed focus on the murder of pageant queen JonBenet Ramsey and the growth of the pageant industry, critics wonder if pageants may be attracting unsavory elements.

When the Ramsey story first broke 10 years ago, it was fueled in no small measure by the pictures of 6-year-old JonBenet in makeup and Las Vegas showgirl outfits.

Many were repulsed, saying pageants sexualized little girls.

But some parents apparently liked what they saw.

Carl Dunn, CEO of Pageantry Magazine, says he was inundated with calls. "It created tremendous growth at [that] point in time. A lot of events came into existence. So it had a very positive effect at that time."

Ten years later, business is still booming.

For pedophiles, that's great news, with pageants offering a potential goldmine of images of children like JonBenet.

"I would venture to guess that her image is certainly in a lot of collections across the world," says Mark Gado, a police detective in New Rochelle, N.Y.

Gado has investigated pedophile cases for 10 years and has just written a book about a pedophile priest. He says there's no proof that pedophiles use these events to find children to assault.

"Parents, I believe, have nothing to fear putting their children in these types of child pageants," says Gado.

The larger question for parents may be whether these contests help or hurt a child's self-esteem.

A new movie, "Little Miss Sunshine," about a family whose daughter gets into a child beauty pageant, pokes fun at this subculture.

Many, if not most, parenting experts say these contests can be emotionally damaging for kids.

But Thumper Gosney, a former Little Miss Texas who was in many pageants alongside JonBenet Ramsey, remembers her time as a child beauty queen fondly.

"We were 5 years old. We just competed together. It was great."

Here's some more:

Child Pageants Or "How To Make Your Kid Look Like a Hooker"

We went to Steven's best friend's house this weekend for his dad's seventy-ninth birthday. Me and the only other two girls there under thirty-five ended up in the bedroom watching a special on beauty pageants for kids. I was appalled by the spectacle that is beauty pageants for small children. I saw one father encourage his six year old to flirt with the judge. Hello! Do you want your child molested? Would that be okay as long as she won? Don't even get me started on the little girls who were in short shorts and halter tops and who were "shaking it." They haven't even hit puberty yet! There is nothing to shake! They had one year olds in makeup and teased hair. WTF are the kids supposed to be getting out of this? The little girl that ended up winning the big pageant at the end looked exhausted and unhappy throughout most of the show. I felt so sorry for her. Her trailer trash mother has spent about $70,000 so far on pageants. The prize money for her big win: $2,500. It was really depressing to watch and the strange, latent sexuality that ran through it made me want to strangle all of the parents. I suppose the grand scheme behind all of this madness is that eventually the girl may win a modeling contract or break into show business. The only thing I see happening, though, is yet another little girl learning that the only thing that counts is the way she looks and that if you flirt with the old men in power you may get something.

Personally I am sickened by all of this but astounded to find out that these pageants are most popular in the South, the Bible Belt and the strongest of Republican states. If we are to go on a witch hunt to find representation of children exploited this would be a great place to start.

So is it child pornography? I think it is naive and stupid in the same way paintings on velvet of dogs playing cards are, people who support this kind of child exploitation buy postcards of animals dressed as people and sell old dolls at Swapmeets, this is something called 'Americana'.
Like the policeman said I doubt that the pageants are breeding grounds for pedophiles, but I'm not totally sure.
Can it be misconstrued as child pornography? Judges (real ones) say it depends what is in the mind of the viewer, reading minds has never been one of my party tricks, but somebody needs to explain to me how when a guy taking pictures of kids in a playground goes to jail, this stuff is called cute, and is vested in the Republican way of life.

What are they teaching in schools to day?

This here's the best shit I dun red fer months, Click Here

My head is much better thank you, the headaches are greatly lessened and the double vision is down to one and a half, so back to work.

I received some very disturbing news about William the drug dealer yesterday seems he has inherited a second family congenital condition which may be terminal and he is flying to the UK for tests.
I wish you the best mate, I really do.

Melissa tried really hard the other day to goad me into conversation but my head hurt and I replied in short one word sentences so she eventually gave up.
Dimitri my webmaster supreme who has been working on my website for 15 months and it still doesn't work no longer answers my emails and my good friend Brian in Bangkok who was apparently arrested recently for shooting porn can not be reached.

That pretty much sums up my life except for this.........

I was in a webmaster chat room yesterday with what represents a huge slice of the 'Billion Dollar' international porn market and got blown away.
It is now becoming obvious that the DVD market is going the way of tape, that stores are closing down or going broke or both on a daily basis and that distributors are starting to go out of business. This is not new, the twenty odd years that I have spent in the industry have endured many changes, but this time it is very different. The old time company owners have always sat back on their stock piles of shitty movies and felt invulnerable.
"Content is king" they have always said, and it is still true today but..................

One of the webmasters had made a joke and posted a picture of Ron Jeremy to make the point. One after another the guys drew a blank and didn't get the joke, then one posted,
"It is much funnier if you know who the guy is, he is a porn star and I think quite famous!"

".......AND I THINK QUITE FAMOUS!!!!!!"

These guys are taking over our business and don't know who Ronny is, the most famous face in all of Pornography, and what is really disturbing is that it doesn't matter, they are generating millions of dollars without us and the world we have built.
Everything we have built, everything we own, our legacy, our investments.........all gone to shit!
These guys have built a new world, with new rules and new stars and they don't need us, don't need us? They don't even know who we are.
It's a level playing field out there and nothing we have gives us an advantage, add that to the fact that we don't know how they actually make money, or understand their market, or know who the Milton Twins are, and we my friend are dead in the water.

I for one never saw this coming, I thought we had created a world that meant something, AVN has convinced us for years that the world cares what we do, who we sleep with, who owes us money but in the end they only sell magazines to us, the have always failed to go 'News Stand' because nobody fucking cares what we do just us. Gene Ross is primarily read by us and KSEX has consistently failed to grow. We are the epitome of a narcissistic society Every little porn whore with 10 movies, a website and a fan base of hundreds thinks she is a star, but housewife Lucy out sells her by 1000 to 1 on the net.
The most successful of the new companies are technically inept, couldn't light a set to save their lives but guess what it doesn't matter because the Internet isn't developed enough for the viewing public to know or care.

Everything we believed in is out the window, there are new rules and they are based on amateurism, a total lack of knowledge or regard for the techniques of movie making, and computer skills bordering on genius.
There is us and there is them and they are winning. We have no place in their world, our arrogance and self importance will not carry us through, how can they respect us if they don't know who we are. They are making 'content' not art, they deal directly with the public and understand their market, we only deal with buyers who don't want the boat rocked and stock what is deemed 'safe' our entire industry has been controlled by less than 50 buyers who could make or break a company, their market is the world.
They are irreverent, unruly and smart, they are Bill Gates's kids and they apologize to no one. What makes it worse is they are, in the main, mid twenties, fat, and dress like young black men, they don't drive Lexus cars and they eat in fast food restaurants. They have perfected the one man band principle of holding the camera, getting their dicks sucked, editing the issue and posting it on their own websites. This is a revolution spearheaded by a bunch of guys and a van. Oh yeah, and they don't think too much of Jews either.
They have traveled to and live in many other countries fulfilling their own dreams and at the same time bringing every kind of ethnicity and sexual variation to the market place. Their customers live their sex lives vicariously though these websites while we bemoan the fact that Thailand doesn't issue their ID's in English. They have wiped us out with out knowing who we are, something the government could never do, but as warriors of new technology they pose a much greater threat to the religious whacko's who think they own the world. The industry is no longer conveniently located in 4 square miles in the valley. Their 2257s give address's in Bangkok, Brazil, The Czech Republic, places Baptist muscle and the US government are impotent.

It is a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, and I'm feeling ???????

Do you think they know who Nina Simone is?

In case you haven't figured it out that rock that I took to the head has really fucked me up. I am dizzy and have the worst headache. So I shall just be putting pictures up for a few days until I feel better.

My dear friends,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this year. I will be
making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your
sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should
you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads (knicker stickers in
Male language):

You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out
flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form
the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the
foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers
(this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

* Soft and Hygienic

* Non-slip grip strips on the soles

* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh

* No more bending over to mop up spills

* Disposable and biodegradable

* Environmentally safe

* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see
the nifty slippers for yourself.... Awaiting your response. It's crucial
that I get the right size for each one of you.

Is she serious?

It started as soon as I got back. My tenants complaining that homeless people were taking over the grounds, sleeping and living on the porch and even coming into the house.
I own a big old Victorian Mansion in a not so great neighborhood, but the real problem it turns out is that the authorities are shutting down Skid Row, long time a city of cardboard homes for the transients and the local of many a Mission with a cheap bed for the night.
"They have spread everywhere, like cockroaches" a cop told me.
So yesterday morning around 11am one of my tenants was pounding on my door.
"The ex-Mrs. T Bone is outside in confrontation with a bunch of homeless" she frantically blurted out. I rushed out with no shoes on to hear a bum shouting at the ex-Mrs. T
"You should fuck off back to where you come from, this countries for Americans"
She is Thai. Bigotry never sits well with me especially in my own front yard.
"I'm American perhaps you would prefer if I throw you off the property" I was right up in his face. He babbled some drivel at me with a distinct Russian accent. Whilst I was expounding the good sense in moving on one of his cronies crept up behind me with a rock taken from the garden and hit me square in the back of the neck with it. Stunned, I turned and roared
"You hit me!"
There was a look of abject fear on his face, I am sure he thought I would go down with the force that he hit me, but no, there I was still standing and mad as hell.
I kicked him square in the chest dropping him to the ground and started to kick him in the head. As his head rolled from side to side I noticed that the Ex-Mrs. T Bone was standing on the other side of him kicking it back to me. We haven't done anything this much fun together in years, I thought. Finally two toothless hags begged us to stop and carried him off.
"There were about 20 of them camped out in the front yard" the ex-Mrs. T Bone said. "I got rid of most of them before you came out"
I had a flash of Las Vegas 10 years ago when Rob Black thought it was funny to taunt her with her Asian ethnicity, he ended up cowering behind two of his wrestler hanger-on's when she went after him with a beer bottle later in a Hotel bar, but that was back in the good old days.
So here we are now with a new problem, the city is cleaning out it's homeless to make a huge Down Town area appealing to property developers, I'm all for that but in the meantime we like the Indians before us will have to fight for our lands as the cockroaches head out looking for new pastures to populate. I hope we have more luck than the Indians, I don't much like the idea of my grandchildren owning casinos.

It is Saturday morning and I have just woken up in Salt Lake City.
Salt Lake City was never part of my travel plans.
Continental Airlines 'We're number 1, so fuck you' dumped me again so I left Sao Paolo on Delta. I should have smelled a rat when then didn't give me a ticket for the New York to LA leg of the trip,
"You're booked on the flight we just can't confirm your seat" the lady said, fucking liar, "they will give you your ticket with the seat assignment in JFK" lying whore!
I have a Platinum frequent flyer card with Continental which used to mean something, now it just means I spend a lot of money with them and they get lots of opportunities to piss me off. So when I land in JFK and ask for my ticket to LA the nice black lady with the humungous tits tells me
"Oh you were booked on the 6 am flight that's been cancelled, we have rebooked you on the 4 pm flight"
10 hours wait with the rudest people in the world, except for the French of course, aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh no!
I stop looking at her tits and politely say
"Please Mam I am a sick old man on his way home to LA for medical treatment can you help me out, 10 hours in New York could kill me" and go back to staring at her tits.
"I can put you on a flight to Salt Lake City that has been delayed for an hour and with a two hour lay over we can have you in LA only 2 hours later than scheduled"
OK all of this is pretty mundane so far but this is the good part, I bemoan the lack of wallop that my Platinum card holds and tell her how in the old days when Continental actually needed customers they would have upgraded me to first class.
"Oh I can probably do that sir," she said. I stop looking at her tits for good this time as I now have a new respect for her.
"You can?"
"Let me ask my supervisor"
There's always a catch isn't there? So fat old Maria waddled over and didn't look in the least responsive. I immediately went into my routine, I was funny, I laughed, I cried, I dam near brought the house down, but I think it was the "Maria was the name of my favorite wife" bit that melted her heart. She tore up my ticket and printed a new one in first class.
"I can only do this from here to Salt Lake City", she said, "it is impossible from there to LA first class is completely sold out" fucking liar!
Delta has new technology on their planes now, a kick ass entertainment system that delivers many movies and TV in digital quality, catch? You have to pay $5 to watch a movie in economy class. Guys like me who travel a lot invest in high quality headphones to avoid paying for onboard movies as the airlines make their money from selling you cheap plastic headphones and now Delta is fighting back. I'm ok for the moment as the movies are free in first class, I worry about the next leg. It is also worth mentioning that Delta have the shortest seat belts in the world, for the first time in my life I have to use an extension to close the fucking thing, how humiliating!
OK, so I am in Salt Lake yadda yadda and the first thing I do is go to the gate for my next flight and ask the squeaky clean fag if he could help me, then I throw myself on his mercy.
".........and the lady in New York said she could only upgrade me for that part of the trip and I should ask here for the last leg" I lied in my most pathetic/I've been up for 20 hours voice. It was probably the English accent but 5 minutes of key tapping he later he handed me a first class ticket to LA.
Flushed with success I have blustered my way into the secret members only club room and am currently chowing down on cinnamon cookies and coffee.
Looking around I have to say this place is scary it's like the breeding ground for red necks and extra terrestrials.
There are cowboys here of course, standing around in big hats and belt buckles, but their hats are just a little too big and their skin is white, really white, in fact almost everybody here is really really white, the buss boys and cleaning staff are all white, very white. It's like their bodies have been drained of blood, this could be the City of the Dammed. The bartender looks like Gabby Hays but talks with an effeminate lisp, and under those whiskers he is white, white, white, he scares me. The more I look around the more uncomfortable I am becoming, I feel like a no name actor in a teen slasher movie, you know it is only a matter of time before they find me hanging upside down in a meat locker with my throat cut. If I don't make it out of here I would just like to say it has been a privilege and an honor to spend the last twenty odd years working in this industry and I love you all, even the ones who fucked me over, you know who you are.

Back in LA now I did in fact make it home, my bags however are an other story, somewhere in Deltaland is all of my camera equipment, all of my computer equipment, in fact my entire life.

I have been helping my friend out for the last few days doing English dialogue on scenes he is shooting for an internet customer. Internet guys are not laden down with stupid prejudices like the DVD guys, they shoot in South America and Asia where they get the hottest scenes and the cutest girls at the best prices, DVD guys are convinced that speaking English is more important than great sex, these are the same guys that used to believe that a story line was more important than great sex, so they shoot in America and pay through the nose which is one reason they are loosing the game to the Internet guys.
Anyway after 14 hours we are only half way through the third scene with one more to shoot. It is close to midnight and the bonds of friendship are being strained a little too much. Curious as to why things are taking so long I walk to the set. The male talent is in the bathroom, the crew are sitting around outside the room designated as the set so I peak round the closed door, there is Ken the cameraman with his cock way down the trannies throat, bouncing her nose on his belly button. Ten people are going home late because this asshole wants to get his rocks off, not me!
I storm my friends office,
"Your cameraman is getting his dick sucked"
"He does it all the time" says my friend, "it helps the tranny"
I have helped a few actress's out the same way over the years, I thought
"How can it possibly help the tranny?" I'm pissed now, I want to go home "if he was sucking her dick I might buy that bullshit but the only person getting any help is Ken the cameraman"
After 14 hours the last thing they need is a crazed American loosing it all over their stage.
"We could stop this scene and shoot your dialogue for the next one and you could be out of here in 15 minutes" my friend said. I thought about kissing him, but only for a moment.
This is my last night in Brazil, tomorrow I must work a full day then take a midnight flight to New York, wait for 2 hours then catch an early morning connection to LA, my beautiful bride is home in bed waiting for me and Marcos has just said exactly what I wanted to hear.
"OK"
5 minutes later we are in the street shooting a dialogue scene with yet another gorgeous transsexual and an unsuspecting fag, I notice Ken's fly is open, I wonder for a moment if he has plans to help this trannie out after I leave, but then again, actually I don't care.